Is LeBron James’ Alcoholism to Blame for DeShone Kizer’s Lackluster Tenure in Cleveland?

The other day I was scrolling through Twitter while taking my first of three daily shits when I came upon this tweet from (now ex) Browns quarterback DeShone Kizer:

On the surface, nothing seems too out of the ordinary here. We’ve all had our issues traveling before (cc: any sports journalist), but as I reread Kizer’s complaint I picked up on some lingo I’ve seen before…


Sheesh…sheesh…where have I heard that before? Then, it dawned on me:

lebron sheesh

LeBron. Fucking. James.

At this point, the smell of my bowel movement began to permeate from the handicap stall that I indignantly use for all of my stools. I wiped, washed my hands, and exited the restroom in a huff.

I should have known something was wrong  with DeShone this year.  Sure, his footwork is often times awkward, and yes, he chooses to hold on to the ball with a grip as loose as finger grabber handshake, but no one person can be that naturally bad at quarterback and start double digit games in the NFL.

I plopped back down at my desk and began to do some research. I followed Kizer at Notre Dame and did not recall any alcohol related issues or suspensions taking him off of the field, only his performance on the field did that. So, maybe alcohol wasn’t the problem after all?

Then I remembered week 2 against the Ravens when he was pulled because of a “migraine.” Five weeks later, Kizer was caught partying at a bar late Friday night, causing the team to drop to 0-7 on the year that following Sunday. Partying seemed to become an issue in Kizer’s life once he arrived in Cleveland, after meeting the most famous, least likable Clevelander since Drew Carey.

drew carey cleveland

Now, I’m no conspiracy theorist — hell, I’m not even a regular theorist — but here are the things I now know.

1.) LeBron James is an alcoholic (allegedly)

2.) LeBron James likes to say, “sheesh”

3.) DeShone Kizer was never on record saying, “sheesh” before his time in Cleveland.

4.) DeShone Kizer had no record of substance abuse until he moved to Cleveland.

And if that’s not enough, take a look at the banner that dawns the facade of the Quicken Loans Arena:


Look closer…

we are all wines

It seems the proof is in the pudding, or should I say the tannins, folks ,,


Should Fergie be Arrested for Treason After Her Performance at the All-Star Game Last Night?

Last night Fergie, you may remember her from the Black Eyed Peas or if you attended a bar mitzvah in the late 2000’s, had the honor of performing the National Anthem at the NBA All Star Game. I know what you’re thinking, no big deal right? Fergie was a MEGA star for a hot minute, who undoubtedly has performed the National Anthem for numerous big venues before. Surely she’s just gonna keep it simple, be right down the middle with it, and not perform it like she’s in a New Orleans burlesque house circa the 1930’s, right?


Now, I know I use a lot of hyperbole on this site. Often times I deem people completely psychotic or accuse them of being borderline murderers. However, I don’t think I’m overreacting here when I say that this rendition of the National Anthem not only the WORST rendition these ears have ever heard, but possibly the most offensive as well. I feel like the moderator of the academic decathlon in Billy Madison during the debate scene. “Ms Fergie, in no point in your incoherent rambling did you sing anything close to resembling the National Anthem. Everyone in this room is less patriotic after hearing your incoherent rambling. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.” 

But given the tumultuous year that the Star Spangled Banner has had, I don’t know what reaction is warranted after last night. Kaepernick led the charge in protesting the National Anthem and won Time’s Person of the Year as a result. If that’s the precedent we’re setting, then Time should award Fergie the Grammy for “Best Remix to an 18th Century Composition.” In that same vein, if some Americans consider Colin Kapernick’s and other NFL Player’s protest disrespectful, then you HAVE to consider this treason. Lock her up and throw away the key, because the fact that she was delusional enough to practice the Anthem that way and go, “yup, nailed it,” indicates to me that she is not of sound mind or reason.

Granted, you could argue the treatment she received on Twitter last night was punishment enough…


and I don’t see the ridicule stopping anytime soon.

But, as I’m writing this, I’ve realized that maybe I have this all wrong. Maybe Fergie is the Patriot we need, but not the one we deserve right now. Other than the fact that this clip will probably be played on loop in Guantanamo Bay for 20 hours a day until it closes:

Fergie has done something that no man or woman has been able to do in the past year — unite this country’s feelings on the National Anthem. For the first time in over a year, people on both sides of the aisle came together to ridicule Fergie’s National Anthem in the spirit of laughs and retweets.

So, in a weird way, I tip my cap to you Fergie. Bombing on a national stage to bring this country together again is one of the most courageous things I’ve ever seen. But maybe in the future let’s leave it to people like Roseanne, okay?