If I Could Get Surgery that Ended my Season with the Browns, I Would.

Joe Thomas successfully underwent season ending surgery yesterday after tearing his triceps in Sunday’s game against the Titans. After 11 years and 10,363 consecutive snaps played, the only pick the Browns have ever gotten right will sit his first game this Sunday in London against the Vikings.

It’ll be weird seeing the Browns line up on the field Sunday without number 73 holding down the offensive line, but I, for one, couldn’t be happier for Joe. Sure, he’s had an unparalleled level of success during his tenure in Cleveland, but being the best player on the Browns is like being the best cashier at Sears. The work is worthwhile and you’re customer service is unmatched, but your organization has no plan for the future and just hired another young assistant manager, the 16th since you’ve been there.

No football player should have to endure what Joe has gone through. Since being drafted by the Browns in 2007, the Browns are a mere 48-119, a winning percentage of 24.3%. Joe was even quoted this year saying that he’s blocked for QB’s that he hadn’t yet met before they broke the huddle. That level of mediocrity is a cruel, Hell-like punishment for a player who by all accounts is just an all around great guy.

Prison guards in Guantanamo wouldn’t even offer their inmates a punishment similar to what Joe has gone through, so I thought I’d compile a quick list of things I’d rather do 10,363 times than play 10,363 consecutive snaps for the Cleveland Browns:

  • Rent 10,363 cars from Avis
  • Lay 10,363 eggs like a bird
  • Somersault 10,363 times through a rose garden
  • Wait 10,363 minutes for my soup to cool
  • Stub my toe $10,363 times against a metal bed frame
  • Accidentally push a pull door 10,363 times
  • Seal 10,363 envelopes with my tongue
  • Have to blow on a Nintendo 64 cartridge to get it to work 10,363 times
  • Eat 10,363 marshmallows, marshmallows are trash
  • Sit through 10,363 operas based off of “To Kill A Mocking Bird”
  • Scramble 10,363 eggs without burning a single one
  • Hear a flight attendant explain the Spirit Airlines Rewards Program 10,363 times
  • Listen to someone tell me I can’t get tickets to Hamilton 10,363 times

All of this being said, I truly feel for Joe. He’s stuck out his time in Cleveland in an era where players want nothing more than max contracts and championships. He’s better than this football team deserves, and hope he recovers as quickly as possible. Then, for his sake, he may want to ask for a trade…just a thought Joe.


Meet Your New Browns Starting QB *sighs deeply* Kevin Hogan!

NFL – The Cleveland Browns have changed quarterbacks. Again.

The team announced Kevin Hogan will start Sunday’s game against the Houston Texans in place of rookie DeShone Kizer.

“I’ve made the decision to start Kevin this week,” Hue Jackson said in a statement Wednesday. “We’ve liked what Kevin has been able to do within our offense when he’s been in there and he will start on Sunday because that’s what we feel is best for our team at this point in time. This does not change the way we feel about DeShone going forward. He has worked extremely hard and still very much has a bright future. Right now, it’s better for him and his development to back up Kevin.”

“I’m so fucking scared right now!” – Kevin Hogan playing football, me watching Kevin Hogan play football.

Ahh the Browns changing their starting QB, a fall tradition unlike any other (because no other team has to do this, ever). Yes, it may be hard to believe coming from such a storied franchise, but the Browns are unhappy with their 21 year old rookie’s performance up to date, and are switching to their savvy veteran* quarterback. Just in time too, I might add, because I’ve got a real good feeling this Browns team may just rip off 11 wins in a row!

In all honesty, I don’t really hate this move. Actually, let me rephrase. On the scale of emotions I use to rate the Browns’ decision that starts don’t hate and ends at a self-inflicting harm level of despise, I don’t hate this move. The Browns play the Texans this week in a game that has a shocking amount of levels to it.

This offseason, the Browns took Brock Osweiler and his ridiculous salary off the Texans’ book along with their 2018 second round pick, which are now so prevalent in Cleveland that they are used as a form of local currency in the city. The Texans used this as an opportunity to dump Osweiler’s salary and pick a proven winner, Deshaun Watson, to be their quarterback of the future. The Browns then later cut Osweiler, still have to pay him the money owed to him, and drafted Kizer to start who is now of course benched.

If Kizer plays in this game, all we’ll hear all game is how sick Browns fans must be that we didn’t draft Watson, and most likely we’ll probably still hear these comparisons even with Kizer on the bench. Even though Watson is throwing to Deandre Hopkins and Will Fuller and Kizer is throwing to Seth DeValve and Ricardo Louis, announcers will mention how Watson is “a proven winner” as he inevitably torches the Browns’ secondary. By not playing Kizer, Jackson hopefully will save us some of this pain, although to be a Browns fan is to be one who feels pain all the time.

So, let’s meet the Browns 28th different starting QB since 1999, Kevin Hogan!

Name: Kevin Hogan

Alma Mater: Stanford

Years Experience: 2

Mobile?: He’s an 80 speed in Madden 18 so I guess so.

Handsome?: …eh?


Concerning Fact: When you type in “Kevin Hogan” to Google Images, the fourth option that comes is his throwing motion, and I definitely see why…


One scout even wrote, “God his mechanics are terrible.” Great!

Hogan definitely throws a weird ball, but he’s a smart QB that has looked a lot better than Kizer has in most spots this year. My hope is that Kizer will pay attention to how Hogan reads his progressions and makes decisions on when/where to throw the ball. My expectation, however, is that Hogan tears his ACL in the second quarter and the 0-16 bound season is right back on track.

Cleveland Browns football baby, catch the fever!

*second year 2016 fifth round pick