Men Under 5’10” Rejoice After Cleveland Radio Host Labels Baker Mayfield a, “F***ing Midget”

CLEVELAND, Ohio – Tony Grossi was suspended indefinitely today after making disparaging remarks about Browns quarterback Baker Mayfield. Going into a break during his radio show with Tony Rizzo, Grossi was griping near a microphone he assumed was off about the quarterbacks the Browns have missed out on, and are now left with, “a fucking midget.”

Following the backlash and public criticism, Grossi released a statement apologizing for his remarks:

Elsewhere though, men 5’10” and under are lauding Grossi’s remarks.

“It’s huge for guys like us, no doubt,” said Kevin Bertuzzi, a 5’6″ pizza chef at a Domino’s in Cincinnati. “Growing up my height, you hear all the names: short-stuff, midget, little guy, etc. So to have someone so publicly label a 6’1″ starting quarterback like that is a massive win for our cause.”

“I mean if can happen to him, it can happen to anyone,” echoed Bobby McCarthy, a 5’4″ shoe counter clerk at a bowling alley just outside of Spokane, WA. “Out west, we’ve already heard stuff like this about Kyler Murray or my guy Russel Wilson, but their heights both start with a 5. To have a guy whose height starts with a 6, though? It’s a game changer, no doubt.”

“I’m mainly excited for the memes about guys under 6 foot tall being ‘just friends’ to stop” said Ryan Woods, donning a shirt he clearly cut the sleeves off of in between sets of 5 reps of 125 on the bench of a Planet Fitness in Peoria, IL. “I’m 5’8″, which is average,” he emphasized, “and my friends send me shit all the time on Instagram of dudes standing on stools to make-out with chicks with captions like, ‘tag a short king.’ It’s juvenile, and something I’ve only done like literally one time.”

The ramifications of Grossi’s comments remain uncertain – no one is sure if he’ll be reinstated, the same way we aren’t sure if the new benchmark for men to be deemed short will be raised to 6’1″. When asked if Woods would be changing the height in his Hinge profile, which currently reads 5’10”, to 6’1″, he hesitated.

“It’s tough to say right now – I think I could get away with it, no doubt, just need to add a couple lifts into the soles of my timbs,” he answered with a smirk. “Hey, can you spot me on this last set?”

He did 2.5 reps.

We’ll have more on this story as it develops in the coming weeks.

Browns vs. Steelers Preview: A Game Typically Followed by a Pink Slip

Tonight is the Browns’ fourth and final primetime tilt of the 2019-20 season, facing off against despised, one-way rival Pittsburgh Steelers. Now, I know I don’t need to explain myself in calling this rivalry one-way, because anyone who watches football with even semi-moderate regularity knows the Browns are losers and the Steelers are winners. But, to provide some perspective for those of you who don’t follow either team and happen to be reading this blog, the Browns are 6-34-1 against the Steelers since the franchise returned in 1999. That’s right, the Browns beat the Steelers roughly 15% of the time they play them. Put simply….yikes.

Furthermore, this matchup is more often than not the last opportunity for a Browns head coach to either pull their head out of the guillotine, or meet their demise:

I saw some replies to this tweet mention that typically this typically goes down after the second Steelers game of the year, but a.) the fact that this happens at all is embarrassing and b.) the game tonight is different than most Steelers games.

The Browns have looked, putting it nicely, inconsistent in primetime games this year. They beat Luke Falk and the Jets on Monday Night Football (unimpressive), lost to the Rams in a game that their defense should not have kept them in but did, and got the doors absolutely blown off them by the Niners on Monday Night a few weeks back. Another loss, be it a blowout or last second field goal, on your home field in primetime with the eyes of the football-loving nation watching feels like it could be the end of an era for the Browns and Kitchens that will go down as disorganized, dysfunctional, and disappointing.

But the Browns do have a single, microscopic, shred of hope left. At 3-6 they’re not completely eliminated from playoff contention, and a win tonight puts them squarely back in the hunt with Miami coming to town next week and then the Steelers again in Pittsburgh. If they focus on one game at a time and win these next three weeks, they will sit at 6-6 with 2 games against Cincinnati, at Arizona, and vs Baltimore to end the year. Personally, I think the loss to the Broncos was the nail in the coffin for this season, but the players, at least on Twitter, have the right mindset and are looking to reset after the abysmal first half.

Maybe this team really has turned the corner. Maybe this team has enough leaders in the locker room to straighten this thing out and lead to a 7-1, 8-0 back half. Maybe the Browns are due to put up a solid all-around primetime game and beat the Steelers. After all, they’re 1-8-1 in their last ten against the Yinzers, so maybe a game against Mason Rudolph is exactly what this team needs to get the Pittsburgh weight off of their shoulders.

But I doubt it.

I want to believe. I really do. This team and this city are so fun to root for and deserve a football team that they can be proud of. But life doesn’t award handouts to the downtrodden, it rewards those who work hard and do things the right way. The Browns are highly penalized, turn the ball over, and at the end of the day, Mike Tomlin is simply a much better coach than Freddie Kitchens.

My feeling is that this game will be a game of consolation prizes. The Browns won’t get blown out, OBJ will score his 2nd touchdown of the year, but much like this season, it will be too little too late.

Steelers – 23 Browns – 17

Oh, and Joe Haden will probably have a pick six or something because, well, the Browns.

WE’RE GOIN’ TO THE PLAYOFFS!!! – Browns Trade For Jarvis Landry, Damarious Randall


Wow wow wow wow wow. Wow. I honestly don’t even know what to say right now. I’ve had some time to process everything and still don’t even know where to begin. There’s a lot to unpack here, so let’s start at the beginning:

Jarvis Landry:

I was sitting at my desk at work, mindlessly staring at my computer waiting for 5 o’clock when I received the notification that the Browns traded 2 picks for Jarvis Landry. At the time, I didn’t know what to think:

My thoughts were if one of these two picks is one of our first or second rounders this year, then it wasn’t worth it. I’ve been harping for a long time that draft picks are intangible assets, and that we should be trading these picks for tangible assets, aka players that have proven their ability to play in the NFL. But you also need to be able to sell hope to these teams and trade picks that are not used for supposed “premier” talent.

Now that it’s come out that this trade was for next year’s seventh rounder and a fourth round pick this year, then this was totally worth it. That seventh round pick was acquired by Sashi for our punter Andy Lee last season, so essentially Dorsey traded a punter and a fourth round pick for a consistent wide receiver. So consistent, in fact, that he led the league in receptions last year despite the fact that Jay Cutler and Matt Moore were throwing to him.

So, if the Browns sign Terrelle Pryor in free agency in three days, their receiving corps becomes:

Jarvis Landry

Josh Gordon

Corey Coleman

Terrelle Pryor

David Njoku

That’s a mouth wateringly satisfying group right there. That’s a crew that can contend with any defense in the league, straight up. The only problem is, they don’t have a solid, viable quarterback giving them the football. Until…

Tyrod Taylor

This is when I started freaking out.


This move really got my mind going. Tyrod Taylor is a special quarterback. I know, I know, that may seem like an overreaction, but relative to what we’ve had in the past he may as well be Warren Moon. I also truly believe that he has the skill set to be a top 10 QB in this league in the right situation. He’s able to escape the pocket, throw the ball on the run, pick up yards with his legs, and doesn’t turn the ball over.

Pair these trades with a defense that’s not as bad as 0-16 showed, and a top 15 O-Line, it seemed this team has set themselves up for success in 2018-2019 and DeShone Kizer finally has a mentor from whom to learn. Except…

Damarious Randall

That somewhat solid defense I just mentioned, just got even better. Damarious Randall is a solid QB that everyone in the Packers organization was high on. Hence, why all the Packers scouts we brought in this offseason more then likely advocated for this deal. But our secondary was lacking last season, so the front office made a deal to rectify that and sent DeShone to an organization where he can learn and hopefully hone his skillset. I stand by the fact that Kizer is super talented and will be a starter in this league, so I’m happy for him. All the best DeShone.

So what does this all mean? The Browns got exponentially better today. They traded for a Pro-Bowl caliber wideout, a mobile experienced QB, a promising young corner, and still have 5 of the first 65 picks in the draft this year. They’re now set up to draft Barkley first overall, Mayfield or Jackson at 4, and focus on continuing to build the defense.

To the Dawg Pound, contain yourselves, but it looks like there may at last be a light at the end of this septic tank of football we’ve been climbing through. Who would’ve thought, after all these years of mediocrity, all it would take to fix the Browns is, well, a Brown.Cleveland Browns v Cincinnati Bengals

Thank you Sashi, you were the hero we didn’t deserve.

PS – Is Dorsey done making moves yet? Word on the street says he isn’t…*eyeball emoji*

earl thomas trade

h/t @DommyTweeter

RGIII Was Ugly on Instagram, on Valentine’s Day No Less!

Last Wednesday felt like any other Valentine’s Day for me — I went into work, awkwardly said Happy Valentine’s Day to a bunch of coworkers because apparently that’s normal, looked at other people’s flowers on Instagram since snap stories are now a thing of the past, went home and sat in my room alone. Ya know, vintage romantic type stuff.

But to my surprise, as I was scrolling through my Instagram feed in my unisex night gown, I saw something rather troubling. No, it wasn’t RGIII’s post / caption that made no sense that shook me to my core, but a comment he made in reply to a fan!

rg3 insta comment

What the hell is this?? RGIII clapping back at my guy brown_nation_ so hard he may re-injure his wrist! On a day that’s supposed to be about love and care, RGIII is out here bullying we lowly Browns fans off of social media. Sad!

Now to be fair, @brown_nation_, you could’ve just unfollowed him and internalized that thought. Really could’ve avoided this heat being brought on you by just keeping that question to yourself. As for me, I still follow RGIII because I know one day he’s gonna slip and throw a nude up on his feed that he meant to send to his “Estonian Beauty.” When/if that day comes, it is my DUTY  as an unpaid Browns blogger to let everyone know if he has a sweet dick or not.

Anyway, I digress. While I agree that brown_nation_ for sure had that coming by being a loser in the first place and commenting on a celebrity’s post, let’s chill out for a second RGIII. Yes, you are technically correct and responsible for the franchise’s last win, but you’re also responsible for 4 of these 31 losses and threw 2 TD’s in five games as a starter. Your incompetence also lead us to the Kizer era, so by the transitive property you’re responsible for all of last year’s losses too.

So why don’t you slow your roll a bit, huh guy? I would say people who live in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones, but if you’re the one throwing said stones  there’s no shot any house is getting hit. Also, you should totally put your dick on the internet.

PS – Can somebody explain to me the emoji usage from @baylor.updates? I get the bear, but what’s the fire and ice emoji? Is that a Game of Thrones Reference? I don’t get it.

Browns Lose Last Possible Win to Bears 20-3

I’m not gonna lie, this is tough to swallow. We all joke and say how we’re looking forward to the perfect season and the parade, but if we’re being honest I really wanted just one win. It feels like just yesterday I was going into the game at M&T Bank in Baltimore telling myself that  if they win this game they could be 4-1 going into week 6. But this team has proved time and time again that they are literally incompetent of doing anything well with any consistency.

I wrote earlier a list of reasons why the Browns would win this game today, and I was wrong on pretty much all accounts. Trubisky ran all over us and we couldn’t get a single thing going on offense. Josh Gordon looked like he didn’t want to be there, the pocked was constancy collapsing on Kizer, and Crow continued to run straight into the line of scrimmage every time he got the ball. It’s a mystery why Duke Johnson doesn’t get the ball 60% of snaps, but this team has a knack for putting the ball in the hands of players who shouldn’t have it.

The only bright side in all of this is that the worst has literally happened. It can only go up from here. I’ll see you all at the parade, now excuse me while I pour myself another scotch.

Josh Rosen Goes on Record Saying He’d Rather Play for the Giants than the Browns. In Related News, the Sun Will Set in the West this Evening.

I couldn’t be happier that this news came out. It’s a better stocking stuffer than I could’ve ever gotten myself. Josh Rosen came out this morning and said he’d rather play for the Giants than the Browns.

Uhhh no shit dude, nobody wants to play for us. But by coming out and saying that, Rosen has affirmed everything I’ve been saying about this kid all year. He’s S-A-W-F-T sawwwwft. Born with a silver spoon in his mouth. Had everything handed to him. He’s the kind of guy who loses a game at UCLA, then makes his way over to Beverly Hills Gold Club to sneak in a quick nine with his embroidered golf bag.

The opportunity to play in Cleveland is unique. You have the chance to be the savior of one of football’s oldest and traditional franchises. You can be the Phoenix that lifts this team from the ashes in which it currently resides. Hell, if you go 10-6 in Cleveland you probably will never have to pay for a drink again in your life.

To come out and say you don’t want to play in Cleveland means you have no drive. You have no grit. You have no heart, no backbone. You’re not ready to step up to the biggest challenge in professional sports and grind your way to greatness. Rosen would rather play with OBJ over Josh Gordon? Play in the Big Apple over the Mistake by the Lake? That’s fine with me. Go ahead and take him. We all already know who will pull this team out of the dumpster.Baker-Mayfield-crotch-grab-832x447

So while baby boy Josh goes to to sleep tonight with dreams of Cleveland heartache and dread, visions of Mayfield lifting the Lombardi Trophy will dance through my head.

Browns vs. Bears Preview: Today is the Day

Merry Christmas Eve Second Stringers, and to my members of the Tribe I hope Channukah (you like that?) treated you well. In the spirit of the season, allow me to give you the greatest gift of all: a blog in which I convince myself the Browns will win a game.

Here’s why I like the Browns in today’s spot:

1.) It’s gonna be cold today in Chicago, vintage Bear weather some would say. That means both of these teams are going to run the ball, run the ball, and run the ball again. That plays to the Browns strength. This Browns rush defense is historically good, only giving up 3.3 YPC on 408 rushing attempts this year. If the Browns make Trubisky win this game, then I like our chances.

2.) I’d feel better if this game wasn’t on a Sunday considering the Browns haven’t won a game on a Sunday in two years, but the game is on Christmas Eve. The Browns only win in the last two years? Last year on Christmas Eve.

3.) The Bears will have no home field advantage today. 20 degree weather and snowing on a Christmas Eve game? I take it most Bears fans will watch the game from home. Plus, the wave of doubt and dread that overcomes First Energy Stadium when things go wrong for this team will not exist today, so I think this team fares better in someone else’s house.

4.) John Fox is 0-7 during his tenure with the Bears in games in which the Bears are the favorite. Not just 0-7 ATS, straight up 0-7. Lost every single game he’s coached as a favorite. For the first time in years, the Browns are kind of a smart bet today.

5.) People are already preparing for the “Perfect Season Parade” so it would be quintessential Browns to ruin everyone’s plans and actually win a game, just like last year. If nothing else, you can always count on this team to let you down somehow.

I doubt the Browns beat the Steelers in Pittsburgh next week, so this is their last shot at a win in 2017. Let’s get a win today then send Hue off in a Viking Funeral-esque ceremony on Lake Michigan.

Browns: 16 Bears: 13 LET IT RIDE BABY