WE’RE GOIN’ TO THE PLAYOFFS!!! – Browns Trade For Jarvis Landry, Damarious Randall


Wow wow wow wow wow. Wow. I honestly don’t even know what to say right now. I’ve had some time to process everything and still don’t even know where to begin. There’s a lot to unpack here, so let’s start at the beginning:

Jarvis Landry:

I was sitting at my desk at work, mindlessly staring at my computer waiting for 5 o’clock when I received the notification that the Browns traded 2 picks for Jarvis Landry. At the time, I didn’t know what to think:

My thoughts were if one of these two picks is one of our first or second rounders this year, then it wasn’t worth it. I’ve been harping for a long time that draft picks are intangible assets, and that we should be trading these picks for tangible assets, aka players that have proven their ability to play in the NFL. But you also need to be able to sell hope to these teams and trade picks that are not used for supposed “premier” talent.

Now that it’s come out that this trade was for next year’s seventh rounder and a fourth round pick this year, then this was totally worth it. That seventh round pick was acquired by Sashi for our punter Andy Lee last season, so essentially Dorsey traded a punter and a fourth round pick for a consistent wide receiver. So consistent, in fact, that he led the league in receptions last year despite the fact that Jay Cutler and Matt Moore were throwing to him.

So, if the Browns sign Terrelle Pryor in free agency in three days, their receiving corps becomes:

Jarvis Landry

Josh Gordon

Corey Coleman

Terrelle Pryor

David Njoku

That’s a mouth wateringly satisfying group right there. That’s a crew that can contend with any defense in the league, straight up. The only problem is, they don’t have a solid, viable quarterback giving them the football. Until…

Tyrod Taylor

This is when I started freaking out.


This move really got my mind going. Tyrod Taylor is a special quarterback. I know, I know, that may seem like an overreaction, but relative to what we’ve had in the past he may as well be Warren Moon. I also truly believe that he has the skill set to be a top 10 QB in this league in the right situation. He’s able to escape the pocket, throw the ball on the run, pick up yards with his legs, and doesn’t turn the ball over.

Pair these trades with a defense that’s not as bad as 0-16 showed, and a top 15 O-Line, it seemed this team has set themselves up for success in 2018-2019 and DeShone Kizer finally has a mentor from whom to learn. Except…

Damarious Randall

That somewhat solid defense I just mentioned, just got even better. Damarious Randall is a solid QB that everyone in the Packers organization was high on. Hence, why all the Packers scouts we brought in this offseason more then likely advocated for this deal. But our secondary was lacking last season, so the front office made a deal to rectify that and sent DeShone to an organization where he can learn and hopefully hone his skillset. I stand by the fact that Kizer is super talented and will be a starter in this league, so I’m happy for him. All the best DeShone.

So what does this all mean? The Browns got exponentially better today. They traded for a Pro-Bowl caliber wideout, a mobile experienced QB, a promising young corner, and still have 5 of the first 65 picks in the draft this year. They’re now set up to draft Barkley first overall, Mayfield or Jackson at 4, and focus on continuing to build the defense.

To the Dawg Pound, contain yourselves, but it looks like there may at last be a light at the end of this septic tank of football we’ve been climbing through. Who would’ve thought, after all these years of mediocrity, all it would take to fix the Browns is, well, a Brown.Cleveland Browns v Cincinnati Bengals

Thank you Sashi, you were the hero we didn’t deserve.

PS – Is Dorsey done making moves yet? Word on the street says he isn’t…*eyeball emoji*

earl thomas trade

h/t @DommyTweeter


RGIII Was Ugly on Instagram, on Valentine’s Day No Less!

Last Wednesday felt like any other Valentine’s Day for me — I went into work, awkwardly said Happy Valentine’s Day to a bunch of coworkers because apparently that’s normal, looked at other people’s flowers on Instagram since snap stories are now a thing of the past, went home and sat in my room alone. Ya know, vintage romantic type stuff.

But to my surprise, as I was scrolling through my Instagram feed in my unisex night gown, I saw something rather troubling. No, it wasn’t RGIII’s post / caption that made no sense that shook me to my core, but a comment he made in reply to a fan!

rg3 insta comment

What the hell is this?? RGIII clapping back at my guy brown_nation_ so hard he may re-injure his wrist! On a day that’s supposed to be about love and care, RGIII is out here bullying we lowly Browns fans off of social media. Sad!

Now to be fair, @brown_nation_, you could’ve just unfollowed him and internalized that thought. Really could’ve avoided this heat being brought on you by just keeping that question to yourself. As for me, I still follow RGIII because I know one day he’s gonna slip and throw a nude up on his feed that he meant to send to his “Estonian Beauty.” When/if that day comes, it is my DUTY  as an unpaid Browns blogger to let everyone know if he has a sweet dick or not.

Anyway, I digress. While I agree that brown_nation_ for sure had that coming by being a loser in the first place and commenting on a celebrity’s post, let’s chill out for a second RGIII. Yes, you are technically correct and responsible for the franchise’s last win, but you’re also responsible for 4 of these 31 losses and threw 2 TD’s in five games as a starter. Your incompetence also lead us to the Kizer era, so by the transitive property you’re responsible for all of last year’s losses too.

So why don’t you slow your roll a bit, huh guy? I would say people who live in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones, but if you’re the one throwing said stones  there’s no shot any house is getting hit. Also, you should totally put your dick on the internet.

PS – Can somebody explain to me the emoji usage from @baylor.updates? I get the bear, but what’s the fire and ice emoji? Is that a Game of Thrones Reference? I don’t get it.

Browns Lose Last Possible Win to Bears 20-3

I’m not gonna lie, this is tough to swallow. We all joke and say how we’re looking forward to the perfect season and the parade, but if we’re being honest I really wanted just one win. It feels like just yesterday I was going into the game at M&T Bank in Baltimore telling myself that  if they win this game they could be 4-1 going into week 6. But this team has proved time and time again that they are literally incompetent of doing anything well with any consistency.

I wrote earlier a list of reasons why the Browns would win this game today, and I was wrong on pretty much all accounts. Trubisky ran all over us and we couldn’t get a single thing going on offense. Josh Gordon looked like he didn’t want to be there, the pocked was constancy collapsing on Kizer, and Crow continued to run straight into the line of scrimmage every time he got the ball. It’s a mystery why Duke Johnson doesn’t get the ball 60% of snaps, but this team has a knack for putting the ball in the hands of players who shouldn’t have it.


The only bright side in all of this is that the worst has literally happened. It can only go up from here. I’ll see you all at the parade, now excuse me while I pour myself another scotch.

Josh Rosen Goes on Record Saying He’d Rather Play for the Giants than the Browns. In Related News, the Sun Will Set in the West this Evening.

I couldn’t be happier that this news came out. It’s a better stocking stuffer than I could’ve ever gotten myself. Josh Rosen came out this morning and said he’d rather play for the Giants than the Browns.

Uhhh no shit dude, nobody wants to play for us. But by coming out and saying that, Rosen has affirmed everything I’ve been saying about this kid all year. He’s S-A-W-F-T sawwwwft. Born with a silver spoon in his mouth. Had everything handed to him. He’s the kind of guy who loses a game at UCLA, then makes his way over to Beverly Hills Gold Club to sneak in a quick nine with his embroidered golf bag.

The opportunity to play in Cleveland is unique. You have the chance to be the savior of one of football’s oldest and traditional franchises. You can be the Phoenix that lifts this team from the ashes in which it currently resides. Hell, if you go 10-6 in Cleveland you probably will never have to pay for a drink again in your life.

To come out and say you don’t want to play in Cleveland means you have no drive. You have no grit. You have no heart, no backbone. You’re not ready to step up to the biggest challenge in professional sports and grind your way to greatness. Rosen would rather play with OBJ over Josh Gordon? Play in the Big Apple over the Mistake by the Lake? That’s fine with me. Go ahead and take him. We all already know who will pull this team out of the dumpster.Baker-Mayfield-crotch-grab-832x447

So while baby boy Josh goes to to sleep tonight with dreams of Cleveland heartache and dread, visions of Mayfield lifting the Lombardi Trophy will dance through my head.

Browns vs. Bears Preview: Today is the Day

Merry Christmas Eve Second Stringers, and to my members of the Tribe I hope Channukah (you like that?) treated you well. In the spirit of the season, allow me to give you the greatest gift of all: a blog in which I convince myself the Browns will win a game.

Here’s why I like the Browns in today’s spot:

1.) It’s gonna be cold today in Chicago, vintage Bear weather some would say. That means both of these teams are going to run the ball, run the ball, and run the ball again. That plays to the Browns strength. This Browns rush defense is historically good, only giving up 3.3 YPC on 408 rushing attempts this year. If the Browns make Trubisky win this game, then I like our chances.

2.) I’d feel better if this game wasn’t on a Sunday considering the Browns haven’t won a game on a Sunday in two years, but the game is on Christmas Eve. The Browns only win in the last two years? Last year on Christmas Eve.

3.) The Bears will have no home field advantage today. 20 degree weather and snowing on a Christmas Eve game? I take it most Bears fans will watch the game from home. Plus, the wave of doubt and dread that overcomes First Energy Stadium when things go wrong for this team will not exist today, so I think this team fares better in someone else’s house.

4.) John Fox is 0-7 during his tenure with the Bears in games in which the Bears are the favorite. Not just 0-7 ATS, straight up 0-7. Lost every single game he’s coached as a favorite. For the first time in years, the Browns are kind of a smart bet today.

5.) People are already preparing for the “Perfect Season Parade” so it would be quintessential Browns to ruin everyone’s plans and actually win a game, just like last year. If nothing else, you can always count on this team to let you down somehow.

I doubt the Browns beat the Steelers in Pittsburgh next week, so this is their last shot at a win in 2017. Let’s get a win today then send Hue off in a Viking Funeral-esque ceremony on Lake Michigan.

Browns: 16 Bears: 13 LET IT RIDE BABY

Browns Keep “Perfect Season” Alive, Lose to Ravens 27-10

More of the same for the Brownies this week — brief flashes of ability, head-scratching play calls, and turnovers in the redzone. Watching this team play every week for the last two years has pretty much devolved into three hours of me muttering to myself in dirty sweatpants, a ritual so sad that the writers of Manchester by the Sea would cry watching.

0-14 and 1-29 in their last 30, we are just 2 games away from the imperfect season and the parade that follows it. Here’s what’s worth noting and what we learned from this week’s loss to the Ravens:

1.) You probably won’t win a game when you let Joe Flacco run for a TD.

2.) This offense is very bad without Joe Thomas.

3.) The “WHY?” sign won the day.

4.) The Browns have single handedly made Benjamin Watson relevant in 2017. 12 of his 45 receptions have come against this secondary, as well as 165 of his 347 yards (47%), and 1 of his 3 TD’s this season.

5.) Bill Mitchell is an idiot. People don’t go to Browns games due to depression, not political parties.

6.) Someone should inform Gregg Williams that it’s helpful if you’re SS isn’t starting plays 100 yards back from the line of scrimmage.

7.) Hue Jackson on the sidelines somehow gets more and more laughable every week.

8.) As it turns out, tickets to Browns games are quite literally worthless.

Another day another L for the Factory of Sadness. The Bears game next week is winnable, but more than likely another L to another QB passed on. It feels like no team will lay down against the Browns because they don’t want to be the ones to lose to one of the most incompetent teams ever assembled. Get your tickets to Cleveland now, because the parade is well within our grasp.

PS – A million dollars to who ever can explain to me what the fuck is going on in this photo.


Browns Lose Laughably 27-21 in OT; Life Continues to Have Little to No Meaning

A few things:

1.) This is one of the worst losses I’ve been a part of with this garbage organization. To be up 21-7 going into the fourth and hand a backup QB a game at home is unforgivable.

2.) This front office simply cannot justify keeping Hue Jackson and his staff around next year. Here’s a list of things they did to hand the Packers that game:

  • Dumb penalties on third down that bailed Green Bay out in every quarter
  • Letting Hundley throw roughly a billion underneath routes once up two scores by not playing press coverage on an anverage receiving corps
  • Not targeting Josh Gordon once in the fourth quarter
  • Throwing on a 3rd and 4 with 2:50 left in the game, leading to an incompletion that stopped the clock
  • Punting the ball in the middle of the field, allowing for a 65 yard punt return to bail out a Packers offense that was putrid the entire day

3.) DeShone Kizer will get heat for this loss, but he played a hell of a game today. It’s great to see what he can do with actual targets to throw to. Gordon, Coleman, and Njoku are solid, further solidifying that we need more playmakers, not necessarily a new QB.

4.) That interception Kizer threw in OT is unforgivable, but those are the moments that come with a 21 year old QB.

5.) Kizer’s first INT should have never happened — a DPI went uncalled on Gordon in the endzone because they’re the Packers and we’re the Browns. Unfortunate to see but that’s what happens when you’re winless.

6.) Josh Gordon is the truth.

7.) Touchdown sunglasses were awesome. I hope that doesn’t go away, but it’s also possible this team doesn’t score the rest of the season.

Not much else to say really. At least the #1 pick and the Perfect Season Parade are now all but guaranteed? The game was firmly in the Browns hands and they let the Packers control the entire second half. Week in and week out I watch this team find a way to lose, each more heartbreaking than the last. This life is miserable, but it’s the life I chose. On to the Ravens.