Is LeBron James’ Alcoholism to Blame for DeShone Kizer’s Lackluster Tenure in Cleveland?

The other day I was scrolling through Twitter while taking my first of three daily shits when I came upon this tweet from (now ex) Browns quarterback DeShone Kizer:

On the surface, nothing seems too out of the ordinary here. We’ve all had our issues traveling before (cc: any sports journalist), but as I reread Kizer’s complaint I picked up on some lingo I’ve seen before…

sheesh

Sheesh…sheesh…where have I heard that before? Then, it dawned on me:

lebron sheesh

LeBron. Fucking. James.

At this point, the smell of my bowel movement began to permeate from the handicap stall that I indignantly use for all of my stools. I wiped, washed my hands, and exited the restroom in a huff.

I should have known something was wrong  with DeShone this year.  Sure, his footwork is often times awkward, and yes, he chooses to hold on to the ball with a grip as loose as finger grabber handshake, but no one person can be that naturally bad at quarterback and start double digit games in the NFL.

I plopped back down at my desk and began to do some research. I followed Kizer at Notre Dame and did not recall any alcohol related issues or suspensions taking him off of the field, only his performance on the field did that. So, maybe alcohol wasn’t the problem after all?

Then I remembered week 2 against the Ravens when he was pulled because of a “migraine.” Five weeks later, Kizer was caught partying at a bar late Friday night, causing the team to drop to 0-7 on the year that following Sunday. Partying seemed to become an issue in Kizer’s life once he arrived in Cleveland, after meeting the most famous, least likable Clevelander since Drew Carey.

drew carey cleveland

Now, I’m no conspiracy theorist — hell, I’m not even a regular theorist — but here are the things I now know.

1.) LeBron James is an alcoholic (allegedly)

2.) LeBron James likes to say, “sheesh”

3.) DeShone Kizer was never on record saying, “sheesh” before his time in Cleveland.

4.) DeShone Kizer had no record of substance abuse until he moved to Cleveland.

And if that’s not enough, take a look at the banner that dawns the facade of the Quicken Loans Arena:

lebron-james-banner

Look closer…

we are all wines

It seems the proof is in the pudding, or should I say the tannins, folks ,,

WE’RE GOIN’ TO THE PLAYOFFS!!! – Browns Trade For Jarvis Landry, Damarious Randall

 

Wow wow wow wow wow. Wow. I honestly don’t even know what to say right now. I’ve had some time to process everything and still don’t even know where to begin. There’s a lot to unpack here, so let’s start at the beginning:

Jarvis Landry:

I was sitting at my desk at work, mindlessly staring at my computer waiting for 5 o’clock when I received the notification that the Browns traded 2 picks for Jarvis Landry. At the time, I didn’t know what to think:

My thoughts were if one of these two picks is one of our first or second rounders this year, then it wasn’t worth it. I’ve been harping for a long time that draft picks are intangible assets, and that we should be trading these picks for tangible assets, aka players that have proven their ability to play in the NFL. But you also need to be able to sell hope to these teams and trade picks that are not used for supposed “premier” talent.

Now that it’s come out that this trade was for next year’s seventh rounder and a fourth round pick this year, then this was totally worth it. That seventh round pick was acquired by Sashi for our punter Andy Lee last season, so essentially Dorsey traded a punter and a fourth round pick for a consistent wide receiver. So consistent, in fact, that he led the league in receptions last year despite the fact that Jay Cutler and Matt Moore were throwing to him.

So, if the Browns sign Terrelle Pryor in free agency in three days, their receiving corps becomes:

Jarvis Landry

Josh Gordon

Corey Coleman

Terrelle Pryor

David Njoku

That’s a mouth wateringly satisfying group right there. That’s a crew that can contend with any defense in the league, straight up. The only problem is, they don’t have a solid, viable quarterback giving them the football. Until…

Tyrod Taylor

This is when I started freaking out.

See?

This move really got my mind going. Tyrod Taylor is a special quarterback. I know, I know, that may seem like an overreaction, but relative to what we’ve had in the past he may as well be Warren Moon. I also truly believe that he has the skill set to be a top 10 QB in this league in the right situation. He’s able to escape the pocket, throw the ball on the run, pick up yards with his legs, and doesn’t turn the ball over.

Pair these trades with a defense that’s not as bad as 0-16 showed, and a top 15 O-Line, it seemed this team has set themselves up for success in 2018-2019 and DeShone Kizer finally has a mentor from whom to learn. Except…

Damarious Randall

That somewhat solid defense I just mentioned, just got even better. Damarious Randall is a solid QB that everyone in the Packers organization was high on. Hence, why all the Packers scouts we brought in this offseason more then likely advocated for this deal. But our secondary was lacking last season, so the front office made a deal to rectify that and sent DeShone to an organization where he can learn and hopefully hone his skillset. I stand by the fact that Kizer is super talented and will be a starter in this league, so I’m happy for him. All the best DeShone.

So what does this all mean? The Browns got exponentially better today. They traded for a Pro-Bowl caliber wideout, a mobile experienced QB, a promising young corner, and still have 5 of the first 65 picks in the draft this year. They’re now set up to draft Barkley first overall, Mayfield or Jackson at 4, and focus on continuing to build the defense.

To the Dawg Pound, contain yourselves, but it looks like there may at last be a light at the end of this septic tank of football we’ve been climbing through. Who would’ve thought, after all these years of mediocrity, all it would take to fix the Browns is, well, a Brown.Cleveland Browns v Cincinnati Bengals

Thank you Sashi, you were the hero we didn’t deserve.

PS – Is Dorsey done making moves yet? Word on the street says he isn’t…*eyeball emoji*

earl thomas trade

h/t @DommyTweeter

At 4:15am EST, the USA Men’s Curling Team Made History

I honestly don’t know what to say. Partly that’s because I’ve been slamming gin all night, but more so because I didn’t really believe this could happen. Our Curling Team just went from 2-4 to the gold medal in seemingly the blink of an eye.

The match was close the entire night, but the US completely turned things around with a 5 POINT eighth end that will go down in history as Shuster’s best shot of his career. It’s hard to describe what this means to the curling community, especially since I joined it ironically around eight years ago.

But in all honesty, I feel such an overwhelming sense of pride for what this team just accomplished. Team Shuster for life. Team USA for life. USA. Your 2018 Men’s Curling Olympic Champions.

Just. Wow.

 

At 1:35am Tonight, the USA Men’s Curling Team Will Make History

Well, this is it folks. Tonight at 1:35am, as some bars begin turning the lights on for last call, Team Shuster and the US Men’s Curling team will take the ice for the last time in these 2018 Olympic Games. This time, though, they play for a chance to go home Olympic Champions for the first time in US history.

I know, I know, we in the states are decidedly the best at pretty much every athletic spectacle worth caring about in the world. But in the bizarre, cult-esque world of Curling, we’re typically an after thought. We’re competitive, sure, but never really close to being the best. What Northwestern is to B1G football, we are to the men’s curling circuit.

In fact, these Olympics were shaping up to be a lot like our last two showings. We were in every game, but always had that one bad end where we let an opponent steal a few too many points. After conceding to Japan and then losing to Norway to fall to 2-4 in Round Robin play, hopes of a podium spot seemed pretty much shot.

Instead, the unthinkable happened. This team rattled of five straight victories to finish 5-4 with the 3 seed in the playoff bracket, including wins over Canada and Great Britain. Shuster was leading this team in a way I hadn’t before seen in the Olympics, and this team was playing like they had nothing to lose.

To make the semifinals seemed like an accomplishment in of itself. I didn’t think we had a prayer of beating the Canadians, three time defending gold medalists, twice in the same week. I mentally prepped myself for the bronze medal match that would take place Friday morning. But again, Team Shuster proved me wrong. A big 2 point steal in the 8th end with a solid hammer throw in the tenth clinched a 5-3 victory over Canada that left me wondering, “what did I just watch?”

So tonight, come 1:35, this group of men will do something that no US Men’s Curling Team before them has done – play for an Olympic gold medal. I implore everyone to make it their civic duty to yell at their bartender and make sure this match is on every TV in the establishment. Gather your friends, buy a bunch of Rolling Rocks for the sake of the pun, and watch this group of beauties stomp all over the Curling world. If the Cubs and Astros can win the World Series, if the Eagles can win the Super Bowl, if Kirk Cousins could become the highest paid player in NFL history, then truely anything is possible.

Why. Not. Us?

NBCSports 1:35am. See you all on Twitter. @threejay03

Should Fergie be Arrested for Treason After Her Performance at the All-Star Game Last Night?

Last night Fergie, you may remember her from the Black Eyed Peas or if you attended a bar mitzvah in the late 2000’s, had the honor of performing the National Anthem at the NBA All Star Game. I know what you’re thinking, no big deal right? Fergie was a MEGA star for a hot minute, who undoubtedly has performed the National Anthem for numerous big venues before. Surely she’s just gonna keep it simple, be right down the middle with it, and not perform it like she’s in a New Orleans burlesque house circa the 1930’s, right?

Wrong!

Now, I know I use a lot of hyperbole on this site. Often times I deem people completely psychotic or accuse them of being borderline murderers. However, I don’t think I’m overreacting here when I say that this rendition of the National Anthem not only the WORST rendition these ears have ever heard, but possibly the most offensive as well. I feel like the moderator of the academic decathlon in Billy Madison during the debate scene. “Ms Fergie, in no point in your incoherent rambling did you sing anything close to resembling the National Anthem. Everyone in this room is less patriotic after hearing your incoherent rambling. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.” 

But given the tumultuous year that the Star Spangled Banner has had, I don’t know what reaction is warranted after last night. Kaepernick led the charge in protesting the National Anthem and won Time’s Person of the Year as a result. If that’s the precedent we’re setting, then Time should award Fergie the Grammy for “Best Remix to an 18th Century Composition.” In that same vein, if some Americans consider Colin Kapernick’s and other NFL Player’s protest disrespectful, then you HAVE to consider this treason. Lock her up and throw away the key, because the fact that she was delusional enough to practice the Anthem that way and go, “yup, nailed it,” indicates to me that she is not of sound mind or reason.

Granted, you could argue the treatment she received on Twitter last night was punishment enough…

 

and I don’t see the ridicule stopping anytime soon.

But, as I’m writing this, I’ve realized that maybe I have this all wrong. Maybe Fergie is the Patriot we need, but not the one we deserve right now. Other than the fact that this clip will probably be played on loop in Guantanamo Bay for 20 hours a day until it closes:

Fergie has done something that no man or woman has been able to do in the past year — unite this country’s feelings on the National Anthem. For the first time in over a year, people on both sides of the aisle came together to ridicule Fergie’s National Anthem in the spirit of laughs and retweets.

So, in a weird way, I tip my cap to you Fergie. Bombing on a national stage to bring this country together again is one of the most courageous things I’ve ever seen. But maybe in the future let’s leave it to people like Roseanne, okay?

 

RGIII Was Ugly on Instagram, on Valentine’s Day No Less!

Last Wednesday felt like any other Valentine’s Day for me — I went into work, awkwardly said Happy Valentine’s Day to a bunch of coworkers because apparently that’s normal, looked at other people’s flowers on Instagram since snap stories are now a thing of the past, went home and sat in my room alone. Ya know, vintage romantic type stuff.

But to my surprise, as I was scrolling through my Instagram feed in my unisex night gown, I saw something rather troubling. No, it wasn’t RGIII’s post / caption that made no sense that shook me to my core, but a comment he made in reply to a fan!

rg3 insta comment

What the hell is this?? RGIII clapping back at my guy brown_nation_ so hard he may re-injure his wrist! On a day that’s supposed to be about love and care, RGIII is out here bullying we lowly Browns fans off of social media. Sad!

Now to be fair, @brown_nation_, you could’ve just unfollowed him and internalized that thought. Really could’ve avoided this heat being brought on you by just keeping that question to yourself. As for me, I still follow RGIII because I know one day he’s gonna slip and throw a nude up on his feed that he meant to send to his “Estonian Beauty.” When/if that day comes, it is my DUTY  as an unpaid Browns blogger to let everyone know if he has a sweet dick or not.

Anyway, I digress. While I agree that brown_nation_ for sure had that coming by being a loser in the first place and commenting on a celebrity’s post, let’s chill out for a second RGIII. Yes, you are technically correct and responsible for the franchise’s last win, but you’re also responsible for 4 of these 31 losses and threw 2 TD’s in five games as a starter. Your incompetence also lead us to the Kizer era, so by the transitive property you’re responsible for all of last year’s losses too.

So why don’t you slow your roll a bit, huh guy? I would say people who live in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones, but if you’re the one throwing said stones  there’s no shot any house is getting hit. Also, you should totally put your dick on the internet.

PS – Can somebody explain to me the emoji usage from @baylor.updates? I get the bear, but what’s the fire and ice emoji? Is that a Game of Thrones Reference? I don’t get it.

What the Alex Smith Trade Means for the Browns Going Forward

 

JFK’s Assassination, the morning of 9/11, and receiving the notification that Alex Smith was traded to the Washington Redskins. Three events in history that Americans will remember exactly where they were when they heard the news forever. Me? I was taking a rare evening dump, perusing through Twitter when the notification banner buzzed in at the top of my screen.

Conflicting emotions began to flow through me as I flooded my toilet with my bowel movement. On the one hand, I really wanted Alex Smith. He’s coming off a career year in Kansas City, reuniting with a GM who believes in him, and gives this team veteran leadership that it is desperately missing. I let myself believe that the Browns could get Smith, draft Barkley #1 overall and Minkah Fitzpatrick at #4, sign Terrelle Pryor in free agency, move Duke to slot wideout, and have a team that goes at least 6-10 next year. It’s not perfect, but it’s a competitive team that allows the Browns a window to continue to develop their young talent.

On the other hand, this was kind of a bad deal for the Redskins. They gave up a starting CB and draft pick for a 33 year old veteran QB who does not have nearly the talent that he had available to him in Kansas City, and signed him long term with $71 million guaranteed over the next 4 years. They also already have this guy:

kirk cousins

who by all accounts would be a better move:

So yes, we could’ve gotten better, but Smith also had just as much potential as being a bad signing and a flop. Which leaves the Browns with these options:

1.) Sign Kirk Cousins to something to the tune of 5 years, $24 mil per with $90 mil guaranteed. It’s a bigger deal than the Skins gave Smith, and there’s no better place to start a redemption campaign than saving the Browns from sinking in Lake Erie. However, Cousins indicated in an interview with Mike Florio yesterday that winning will play a factor in his signing decision. Smith also said something similar in an interview with Dan Patrick, that money isn’t the only factor.

To which, I respond with this — winners win. No matter what team, no matter the circumstance, if you’re a winner, you find a way to win. Alex Smith lost his starting job in SF to Colin Kaepernick and has a career playoff record of 2-5. Kirk Cousins has a losing career record as a starter (26-30-1) and is 0-2 in the playoffs, both losses by double digits. So newsflash, NEITHER of you are proven winners, so for you to demand that of your future team is patently ridiculous. But I digress…

2.) The Browns lose out on Cousins and draft Baker Mayfield first overall. Mayfield is my favorite QB in this class and has the right kind of attitude to play for this team. He’s a proven winner, is comfortable moving around the pocket, and is an accurate thrower. Yes there’s baggage and off the field risk associated with him, but when you go 0-16 and 1-31 over the last two years, you’re kind of in a position to take a risk. Hell, even Johnny Manziel won 2 games for the Browns.

3.) The Browns draft Josh Allen or Sam Darnold first overall, which unfortunately seems like the most likely scenario. Both of these guys are big, and that’s just about it. Allen has a cannon for an arm, but also has zero touch, zero accuracy, and was injured throughout his senior year. Darnold is going to be Bortles 2.0 in my opinion. A big dude that was recruited as a TE but athletic enough to play QB, his release is bad, and from watching him play in college, the NFL is going to be too fast for him to succeed as a QB.

I love option 1, like option 2, and hate option 3, but regardless, the Browns need to address their QB situation with the first pick this year. I’m a huge proponent of you need talent around a QB to win in this league, but ultimately to reach that second tier of success, you need to have a QB that can lead you there. If the Browns go out and bring Pryor back, a receiving corps of Gordon, Pryor, Coleman, and Njoku with Duke playing out of the slot is enough talent to win on offense. Refocus on the defense in the coming years, and build out a sustainable system of success.

But realistically, the Browns won’t sign anyone except AJ McCarron, let Hue coach until he’s 75 and average a 4-12 record for the next 20 years. Thus is life as an assembly worker in the Factory of Sadness.

PS – Kendall Fuller live tweeting all of this, then finding out that he was getting traded to KC was peak Twitter.