Categories
Uncategorized

Kirk Cousins Shocked to Learn Anybody Cares What He Thinks About Anything

MINNEAPOLIS — The Twitter-sphere was set ablaze Wednesday morning after hearing Minnesota Vikings quarterback Kirk Cousins is taking a “survival of the fittest” approach to COVID-19. “I want to respect what other people’s concerns are. For me personally, just talking no one else can get the virus, what is your concern if you could get […]

Categories
Uncategorized

Person Who Never Watches the NBA Vows to Never Watch the NBA Again

MILWAUKEE — The Milwaukee Bucks announced that they would not be playing in their Game 5 matchup against the Orlando Magic on Wednesday night in an act of solidarity with those fighting for racial justice after the shooting of Jacob Blake in Kenosha, WI over the weekend. Moments before the game was scheduled to tip-off, […]

Categories
Uncategorized

University of Nebraska Reminds Country They Still Play Football By Asking For Permission to Play Football

LINCOLN — The University of Nebraska did not mince words when first-year Big Ten Commissioner Kevin Warren announced on Tuesday that the conference was cancelling all athletic activities this Fall. “We’re very disappointed with the [Big Ten’s] decision,” the university said in a statement released on Tuesday afternoon. “We hope it may be possible for […]

Categories
Uncategorized

Dan Snyder Proposes Renaming Redskins “Washington Hickories” in Tribute to Andrew Jackson

WASHINGTON D.C. — The Washington Redskins team owner Daniel Snyder announced earlier today that the team would be moving on from the “Redskins” team name and logo after thorough review of… maybe a week. Fans of the team and the NFL have been calling for the team to change their name and logo for years, […]

Categories
Uncategorized

NASCAR Fans Disappointed Noose Found in Bubba Wallace’s Garage Was Not Deemed a Racist Act

TALLADEGA — The FBI announced Tuesday night after completing their investigation that the noose found in Bubba Wallace’s garage over the weekend at Talladega Superspeedway was not a targeted racial act or hate crime. The noose in question, according to the FBI’s findings, is a manual pulley mechanism used to shut the garage door, and […]

Categories
Uncategorized

Swing and a Miss: MLB Owners Honor Juneteenth by Proposing Players Play Shortened Season for Free

PHOENIX — The chances that a shortened MLB season is played this year seems about as likely as Sammy Sosa putting on 30 pounds of muscle when he arrived in Chicago because he finally removed a wisdom tooth that had been preventing him from eating his entire life. Tensions between MLB Owners, Commissioner Rob Manfred, […]

Categories
Uncategorized

Joe Burrow Spotted Sporting 16″ Hands Prior to NFL Draft

ZOOM — The 2020 NFL Draft is virtually taking place for the first time ever tonight at 8:00pm EST due to the national COVID-19 pandemic. The primary party impacted by this shift to a digital experience will, unfortunately, be the players, who for the first time in the league’s history won’t feel the exhilaration of […]

Categories
Uncategorized

BREAKING: Ska Dies From COVID-19 Related Complications

NEW YORK — Ska passed away alone in its home on Tuesday night from complications related to the coronavirus. The genre was on its last legs and many proclaimed it dead years ago, but re-runs of Basketball and Streetlight Manifesto’s reunion were enough to keep the music going for a few years longer than it […]

Categories
Uncategorized

Ranking my Toes

You’ve been clamoring for it, so here it is, the official ranking of my toes. 10. Left foot, fourth toe – sometimes called the “ring toe” this toe is pretty much worthless. If I lost it in a terrible wake boarding accident I probably wouldn’t notice and I definitely wouldn’t care 9. Left foot, middle […]

Categories
Uncategorized

Animal Crossing Community Disturbed by Nintendo’s Announcement of Veteran’s Day Special Character “Vinny from Vietnam” Following Bunny Day Misstep

KYOTO — Imagine a world with no work, monotony, mundane assignments or water cooler talk. Instead of commuting to work, you simply run around your local area lending a hand to your neighbors and working together to clean and build up your newly developing community. Instead of a paycheck hitting on the first and fifteenth […]