Categories
Uncategorized

NASCAR Fans Disappointed Noose Found in Bubba Wallace’s Garage Was Not Deemed a Racist Act

TALLADEGA — The FBI announced Tuesday night after completing their investigation that the noose found in Bubba Wallace’s garage over the weekend at Talladega Superspeedway was not a targeted racial act or hate crime. The noose in question, according to the FBI’s findings, is a manual pulley mechanism used to shut the garage door, and […]

Categories
Uncategorized

Swing and a Miss: MLB Owners Honor Juneteenth by Proposing Players Play Shortened Season for Free

PHOENIX — The chances that a shortened MLB season is played this year seems about as likely as Sammy Sosa putting on 30 pounds of muscle when he arrived in Chicago because he finally removed a wisdom tooth that had been preventing him from eating his entire life. Tensions between MLB Owners, Commissioner Rob Manfred, […]

Categories
Uncategorized

Joe Burrow Spotted Sporting 16″ Hands Prior to NFL Draft

ZOOM — The 2020 NFL Draft is virtually taking place for the first time ever tonight at 8:00pm EST due to the national COVID-19 pandemic. The primary party impacted by this shift to a digital experience will, unfortunately, be the players, who for the first time in the league’s history won’t feel the exhilaration of […]

Categories
Uncategorized

BREAKING: Ska Dies From COVID-19 Related Complications

NEW YORK — Ska passed away alone in its home on Tuesday night from complications related to the coronavirus. The genre was on its last legs and many proclaimed it dead years ago, but re-runs of Basketball and Streetlight Manifesto’s reunion were enough to keep the music going for a few years longer than it […]

Categories
Uncategorized

Ranking my Toes

You’ve been clamoring for it, so here it is, the official ranking of my toes. 10. Left foot, fourth toe – sometimes called the “ring toe” this toe is pretty much worthless. If I lost it in a terrible wake boarding accident I probably wouldn’t notice and I definitely wouldn’t care 9. Left foot, middle […]

Categories
Uncategorized

Animal Crossing Community Disturbed by Nintendo’s Announcement of Veteran’s Day Special Character “Vinny from Vietnam” Following Bunny Day Misstep

KYOTO — Imagine a world with no work, monotony, mundane assignments or water cooler talk. Instead of commuting to work, you simply run around your local area lending a hand to your neighbors and working together to clean and build up your newly developing community. Instead of a paycheck hitting on the first and fifteenth […]

Categories
Uncategorized

Drew Neitzel Files for 16th Year of Eligibility Following NCAA’s Ruling to Allow Extra Year of Eligibility to Athletes Impacted by COVID-19

GRAND RAPIDS — The NCAA voted on Monday March, 30th to allow an extra year of eligibility for student athletes who were impacted by or had their season cancelled because of the COVID-19 pandemic. Members of the class of 2020 and fans too invested in college athletics because there’s nothing else going on in their […]

Categories
Uncategorized

Scott Stapp Performs Entire Set Before Being Told Opening Day Was Cancelled

MIAMI — The reality of the coronavirus hit home a little harder today as baseball fans across the country woefully remembered that today was supposed to be Opening Day for the 2020 MLB season. Instead of flocking to ballparks to watch their favorite teams smack a few dingers and eat a $13 18in. hot dog […]

Categories
News Uncategorized

Chris Lilley Furious He Didn’t Think of ‘Joe Exotic’ First

MELBOURNE – Stuck in quarantine and starved for any entertainment that isn’t staring at your phone watching people do push-ups on Instagram is a recipe for success for any reality TV show. But throw in a gun-toting, tiger-owning, homosexual polygamist from Oklahoma charged for conspiring to commit murder? That’s a perfect storm of content. That perfect storm […]

Categories
News Uncategorized

‘Woah…’ Whispers Confused 311 Fan Trying to Figure Out How Sign Language Interpreter Can Hear the Music

LAS VEGAS – Fans from around the world (Vermont and Washington) descended upon Las Vegas, Nevada Wednesday evening to attend the 21st annual 311 Day Festival, a celebration created by the band themselves and that lasts for more days than just March 11th. Local Las Vegans (citizens, not a way of saying ‘the vegans’ in […]