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Kirk Cousins Shocked to Learn Anybody Cares What He Thinks About Anything

MINNEAPOLIS — The Twitter-sphere was set ablaze Wednesday morning after hearing Minnesota Vikings quarterback Kirk Cousins is taking a “survival of the fittest” approach to COVID-19. “I want to respect what other people’s concerns are. For me personally, just talking no one else can get the virus, what is your concern if you could get […]

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Person Who Never Watches the NBA Vows to Never Watch the NBA Again

MILWAUKEE — The Milwaukee Bucks announced that they would not be playing in their Game 5 matchup against the Orlando Magic on Wednesday night in an act of solidarity with those fighting for racial justice after the shooting of Jacob Blake in Kenosha, WI over the weekend. Moments before the game was scheduled to tip-off, […]

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University of Nebraska Reminds Country They Still Play Football By Asking For Permission to Play Football

LINCOLN — The University of Nebraska did not mince words when first-year Big Ten Commissioner Kevin Warren announced on Tuesday that the conference was cancelling all athletic activities this Fall. “We’re very disappointed with the [Big Ten’s] decision,” the university said in a statement released on Tuesday afternoon. “We hope it may be possible for […]

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NCAA President Mark Emmert Assures Player Safety is “Top Priority” Announcing Fall Sports Will Be Played While Standing on a Pile of Money

INDIANAPOLIS — The NCAA’s Sport Science Institute, an NCAA entity that we can only assume was created earlier this week as some sort of tax-evading money-laundering operation, detailed its coronavirus guidelines on Friday morning in an effort to help schools figure out how they can safely conduct athletic events this fall. These “best practices” notably […]

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DeSean Jackson Issues Apology for Anti-Semitic Post: “In the words of Mussolini, ‘Mea Culpa'”

PHILADELPHIA — Popular Philadelphia Eagles wide receiver DeSean Jackson found himself in hot “wutter” last week after posting a quote attributed to Adolf Hitler on his Instagram story. The quote read: “[Jews] will blackmail America. [They] will extort America, their plan for world domination won’t work if the Negroes know who they were.” The excerpt […]

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Dan Snyder Proposes Renaming Redskins “Washington Hickories” in Tribute to Andrew Jackson

WASHINGTON D.C. — The Washington Redskins team owner Daniel Snyder announced earlier today that the team would be moving on from the “Redskins” team name and logo after thorough review of… maybe a week. Fans of the team and the NFL have been calling for the team to change their name and logo for years, […]

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NASCAR Fans Disappointed Noose Found in Bubba Wallace’s Garage Was Not Deemed a Racist Act

TALLADEGA — The FBI announced Tuesday night after completing their investigation that the noose found in Bubba Wallace’s garage over the weekend at Talladega Superspeedway was not a targeted racial act or hate crime. The noose in question, according to the FBI’s findings, is a manual pulley mechanism used to shut the garage door, and […]

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Swing and a Miss: MLB Owners Honor Juneteenth by Proposing Players Play Shortened Season for Free

PHOENIX — The chances that a shortened MLB season is played this year seems about as likely as Sammy Sosa putting on 30 pounds of muscle when he arrived in Chicago because he finally removed a wisdom tooth that had been preventing him from eating his entire life. Tensions between MLB Owners, Commissioner Rob Manfred, […]

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Joe Burrow Spotted Sporting 16″ Hands Prior to NFL Draft

ZOOM — The 2020 NFL Draft is virtually taking place for the first time ever tonight at 8:00pm EST due to the national COVID-19 pandemic. The primary party impacted by this shift to a digital experience will, unfortunately, be the players, who for the first time in the league’s history won’t feel the exhilaration of […]

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BREAKING: Ska Dies From COVID-19 Related Complications

NEW YORK — Ska passed away alone in its home on Tuesday night from complications related to the coronavirus. The genre was on its last legs and many proclaimed it dead years ago, but re-runs of Basketball and Streetlight Manifesto’s reunion were enough to keep the music going for a few years longer than it […]