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Drew Neitzel Files for 16th Year of Eligibility Following NCAA’s Ruling to Allow Extra Year of Eligibility to Athletes Impacted by COVID-19

GRAND RAPIDS — The NCAA voted on Monday March, 30th to allow an extra year of eligibility for student athletes who were impacted by or had their season cancelled because of the COVID-19 pandemic. Members of the class of 2020 and fans too invested in college athletics because there’s nothing else going on in their […]

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Scott Stapp Performs Entire Set Before Being Told Opening Day Was Cancelled

MIAMI — The reality of the coronavirus hit home a little harder today as baseball fans across the country woefully remembered that today was supposed to be Opening Day for the 2020 MLB season. Instead of flocking to ballparks to watch their favorite teams smack a few dingers and eat a $13 18in. hot dog […]

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Chris Lilley Furious He Didn’t Think of ‘Joe Exotic’ First

MELBOURNE – Stuck in quarantine and starved for any entertainment that isn’t staring at your phone watching people do push-ups on Instagram is a recipe for success for any reality TV show. But throw in a gun-toting, tiger-owning, homosexual polygamist from Oklahoma charged for conspiring to commit murder? That’s a perfect storm of content. That perfect storm […]

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‘Woah…’ Whispers Confused 311 Fan Trying to Figure Out How Sign Language Interpreter Can Hear the Music

LAS VEGAS – Fans from around the world (Vermont and Washington) descended upon Las Vegas, Nevada Wednesday evening to attend the 21st annual 311 Day Festival, a celebration created by the band themselves and that lasts for more days than just March 11th. Local Las Vegans (citizens, not a way of saying ‘the vegans’ in […]

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Houston Astors Unveil Alternate Jerseys for 2020 Season

HOUSTON – Earlier today in a press conference outside of their Spring Training facility in Palm Spring, Florida, the Houston Astros front office revealed the design of the team’s 2020 alternate jerseys to a room of select local and national reporters. “Today marks a new and exciting chapter in the long and storied history of […]

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Men Under 5’10” Rejoice After Cleveland Radio Host Labels Baker Mayfield a, “F***ing Midget”

CLEVELAND, Ohio – Tony Grossi was suspended indefinitely today after making disparaging remarks about Browns quarterback Baker Mayfield. Going into a break during his radio show with Tony Rizzo, Grossi was griping near a microphone he assumed was off about the quarterbacks the Browns have missed out on, and are now left with, “a fucking […]

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The Monday Night Football Black Cat Taught Me How to Love Again

There he was, just 26-year-old boy who’d lost all hope watching the Cowboys play the Giants on Monday Night Football with his friends. His favorite team, the Cleveland Browns, who in his perpetual state of pessimism thought would be at worst 6-10 this year, sit at 2-6 after losing to the Denver Broncos in what […]

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At 4:15am EST, the USA Men’s Curling Team Made History

I honestly don’t know what to say. Partly that’s because I’ve been slamming gin all night, but more so because I didn’t really believe this could happen. Our Curling Team just went from 2-4 to the gold medal in seemingly the blink of an eye. The match was close the entire night, but the US […]

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At 1:35am Tonight, the USA Men’s Curling Team Will Make History

Well, this is it folks. Tonight at 1:35am, as some bars begin turning the lights on for last call, Team Shuster and the US Men’s Curling team will take the ice for the last time in these 2018 Olympic Games. This time, though, they play for a chance to go home Olympic Champions for the […]

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Local Man Gives Dollar to Homeless Person; Internally Justifies Self for Being Piece of Shit for the Entire Year

BALTIMORE, MD – Walking down Light Street to purchase some pajamas from Marshall’s as a last-minute Christmas gift for his wife, area man Dave Andersen heard a raspy plea from the ground. “Any change sir? I’m just trying to catch the bus.” Having grown up and now living in the suburbs outside of the city […]