Handicap Stall 3/16/18

Sorry loyal readers, my BM came a tad later than expected today, but we still have a full day of March Madness games to bet on here. As I type, it looks like Providence outright won’t come through, and I’m guessing the gentleman in the stall next to me picked PC too, because he’s now grunted twice unlike any human being I’ve ever heard before.

But enough of that, let’s get to the games.


New Mexico St outright

– Ride the hot mascot. Texas A&M just won and their mascot are the Aggies, so why not?

Butler Arkansas under 153

– Scottie Pippen played for Arkansas and played great defense. I feel like Butler has a history of being defensive and annoying. So look out for a 65-63 final.

West Virginia -10

– Teams that have to play WVU in the first weekend are fucked. Your excited to even make the tourney, then have to play 40 minutes against a full court defense. Little schools can’t handle it.

Auburn -9.5

– Alabama crushing Auburn was an effort to get more SEC teams into the tourney. 68% of public money is on CofC so fade the public here.

UNC Lipscomb under 165.5

– I actually don’t remember picking this game and don’t love this pick.

Have a Friday everyone.


Handicap Stall

Every day at work, typically more than once, I poop. That is may be a tad gauche to talk about so freely, but the fact of the matter is we all take time out of our day to expunge waste via our rectum and scroll through Twitter for 20 minutes.

Additionally, ever time I have to relieve myself at work, I choose to use the handicapped stall. It’s spacious, has a nice bar you can use to hoist yourself up when finished, and is the furthest stall away from the door (interesting to think about when considering handicapped parking is always closest to the door). In the words of George Constanza, “I feel like a gargoyle perched on the ledge of a building.”

And yet, while I’ve never actually seen a handicapped person working on my floor, there’s a part of me that feels guilty for occupying the stall specifically built to aid the disabled. What if an emergency happens, or if our VP breaks both his legs and needs to use this stall? I’d be toast!

Then it hit me. The other day I was betting NHL overs at my desk and realized that I am, in fact, handicapping. So, if I start making my daily wagers in the handicap stall while pinching one off, I’ll a.) be more efficient and b.) technically justifiably be allowed to use this stall since I am “handicapping.”

Thus, I give to you the “Handicap Stall.” Every day while producing my homemade Nutella, I’ll write a blog covering who I’m betting on that day. Considering March Madness starts today, I see no better time to start than now.


Loyola Chicago moneyline

– a wise man (me)  once said, Miami STINKS. Plus, I’m from Chicago.

S. Dakota State moneyline

– Haven’t really seen Ohio St play much this year, but I watched S Dakota St win the Summit League

Kentucky 1H and -5

– Everyone seems to be on Davidson, which maybe the Steph Curry effect,  but UK has some amazing athletes on that team

Arizona -8

– I just don’t see them losing to Buffalo

There you have it, that’s who I like today. Everyone hustle and get those bets in now so you can focus on something other than work the rest of the day. Everybody say it with me,


Thank You Joe Thomas

April 2007. A young boy sits in his living room on the edge of his couch cushion in anticipation, waiting for Roger Goodell to announce who the Browns drafted third overall. The boy is a Notre Dame fan, and praying Cleveland chooses the hometown kid Brady Quinn to be their quarterback of the future. The bell rings, the room falls silent…

The boy was crushed. “A left tackle?? What the fuck?? HOW COULD THEY NOT PICK BRADY??” Little did he know, that would be the worst Browns take the boy would ever have.

If you haven’t figured it out by now, that boy was me. I remember so vividly watching this draft wondering how the Browns could take this big lineman from Wisconsin over my golden boy golden domer with perfect hair. But to their credit, it’s the most right this organization has been this millennium. We didn’t deserve someone like Joe, we still don’t.

He was the consummate professional. He played every game to the best of his ability, and regularly dominated any edge rusher that dared to face him 1 on 1. Here are some of the things Joe accomplished in his time in Cleveland:

  • 2nd in Rookie of the Year voting behind Adrian Peterson
  • 10 Pro Bowl appearances in 11 seasons
  • 1 of 15 players to make a Pro Bowl in each of his first six seasons
  • The second Brown other than Jim Brown to make the Pro Bowl in their first 7 seasons
  • Consistently voted a top 25 NFL player by other players in the league despite the Browns’ incompetence
  • Played 10,363 consecutive snaps, the only player to do so in the history of the league

But while his accomplishments and accolades on the field are incredible, what was more important to we in the Dawg Pound was how he was off the field. By all accounts Joe was a great teammate, and even better person. In an era defined by super teams and leaving to win rings, Joe stayed in Cleveland despite the black hole of talent and coaching in which he constantly had to combat. He believed in Cleveland even though this organization never gave him a reason to.

Joe Thomas will go into the Hall of Fame with a lower winning percentage than any Hall of Famer before him (48-128, 37.5%). He will also have blocked for the most quarterbacks of any Hall of Fame lineman (21). But it brings a smile to my face to know that when I take my kid to the Hall of Fame someday and we look at Joe’s bust, I’ll be able to teach them a lesson that as long as you’re doing what you love and doing it right, that brilliance will always outshine the failures.

A lot of people have been joking that the expectation in Cleveland is so low, that a QB that wins 5 games in a season will get a statue outside First Energy. But if any man is to to be idolized and immortalized as a representation of this organization, it’s Joe Thomas.

So here’s to you Joe. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for being the one guy we could always count on, and proving that boy from ten years ago wrong.

Is LeBron James’ Alcoholism to Blame for DeShone Kizer’s Lackluster Tenure in Cleveland?

The other day I was scrolling through Twitter while taking my first of three daily shits when I came upon this tweet from (now ex) Browns quarterback DeShone Kizer:

On the surface, nothing seems too out of the ordinary here. We’ve all had our issues traveling before (cc: any sports journalist), but as I reread Kizer’s complaint I picked up on some lingo I’ve seen before…


Sheesh…sheesh…where have I heard that before? Then, it dawned on me:

lebron sheesh

LeBron. Fucking. James.

At this point, the smell of my bowel movement began to permeate from the handicap stall that I indignantly use for all of my stools. I wiped, washed my hands, and exited the restroom in a huff.

I should have known something was wrong  with DeShone this year.  Sure, his footwork is often times awkward, and yes, he chooses to hold on to the ball with a grip as loose as finger grabber handshake, but no one person can be that naturally bad at quarterback and start double digit games in the NFL.

I plopped back down at my desk and began to do some research. I followed Kizer at Notre Dame and did not recall any alcohol related issues or suspensions taking him off of the field, only his performance on the field did that. So, maybe alcohol wasn’t the problem after all?

Then I remembered week 2 against the Ravens when he was pulled because of a “migraine.” Five weeks later, Kizer was caught partying at a bar late Friday night, causing the team to drop to 0-7 on the year that following Sunday. Partying seemed to become an issue in Kizer’s life once he arrived in Cleveland, after meeting the most famous, least likable Clevelander since Drew Carey.

drew carey cleveland

Now, I’m no conspiracy theorist — hell, I’m not even a regular theorist — but here are the things I now know.

1.) LeBron James is an alcoholic (allegedly)

2.) LeBron James likes to say, “sheesh”

3.) DeShone Kizer was never on record saying, “sheesh” before his time in Cleveland.

4.) DeShone Kizer had no record of substance abuse until he moved to Cleveland.

And if that’s not enough, take a look at the banner that dawns the facade of the Quicken Loans Arena:


Look closer…

we are all wines

It seems the proof is in the pudding, or should I say the tannins, folks ,,

WE’RE GOIN’ TO THE PLAYOFFS!!! – Browns Trade For Jarvis Landry, Damarious Randall


Wow wow wow wow wow. Wow. I honestly don’t even know what to say right now. I’ve had some time to process everything and still don’t even know where to begin. There’s a lot to unpack here, so let’s start at the beginning:

Jarvis Landry:

I was sitting at my desk at work, mindlessly staring at my computer waiting for 5 o’clock when I received the notification that the Browns traded 2 picks for Jarvis Landry. At the time, I didn’t know what to think:

My thoughts were if one of these two picks is one of our first or second rounders this year, then it wasn’t worth it. I’ve been harping for a long time that draft picks are intangible assets, and that we should be trading these picks for tangible assets, aka players that have proven their ability to play in the NFL. But you also need to be able to sell hope to these teams and trade picks that are not used for supposed “premier” talent.

Now that it’s come out that this trade was for next year’s seventh rounder and a fourth round pick this year, then this was totally worth it. That seventh round pick was acquired by Sashi for our punter Andy Lee last season, so essentially Dorsey traded a punter and a fourth round pick for a consistent wide receiver. So consistent, in fact, that he led the league in receptions last year despite the fact that Jay Cutler and Matt Moore were throwing to him.

So, if the Browns sign Terrelle Pryor in free agency in three days, their receiving corps becomes:

Jarvis Landry

Josh Gordon

Corey Coleman

Terrelle Pryor

David Njoku

That’s a mouth wateringly satisfying group right there. That’s a crew that can contend with any defense in the league, straight up. The only problem is, they don’t have a solid, viable quarterback giving them the football. Until…

Tyrod Taylor

This is when I started freaking out.


This move really got my mind going. Tyrod Taylor is a special quarterback. I know, I know, that may seem like an overreaction, but relative to what we’ve had in the past he may as well be Warren Moon. I also truly believe that he has the skill set to be a top 10 QB in this league in the right situation. He’s able to escape the pocket, throw the ball on the run, pick up yards with his legs, and doesn’t turn the ball over.

Pair these trades with a defense that’s not as bad as 0-16 showed, and a top 15 O-Line, it seemed this team has set themselves up for success in 2018-2019 and DeShone Kizer finally has a mentor from whom to learn. Except…

Damarious Randall

That somewhat solid defense I just mentioned, just got even better. Damarious Randall is a solid QB that everyone in the Packers organization was high on. Hence, why all the Packers scouts we brought in this offseason more then likely advocated for this deal. But our secondary was lacking last season, so the front office made a deal to rectify that and sent DeShone to an organization where he can learn and hopefully hone his skillset. I stand by the fact that Kizer is super talented and will be a starter in this league, so I’m happy for him. All the best DeShone.

So what does this all mean? The Browns got exponentially better today. They traded for a Pro-Bowl caliber wideout, a mobile experienced QB, a promising young corner, and still have 5 of the first 65 picks in the draft this year. They’re now set up to draft Barkley first overall, Mayfield or Jackson at 4, and focus on continuing to build the defense.

To the Dawg Pound, contain yourselves, but it looks like there may at last be a light at the end of this septic tank of football we’ve been climbing through. Who would’ve thought, after all these years of mediocrity, all it would take to fix the Browns is, well, a Brown.Cleveland Browns v Cincinnati Bengals

Thank you Sashi, you were the hero we didn’t deserve.

PS – Is Dorsey done making moves yet? Word on the street says he isn’t…*eyeball emoji*

earl thomas trade

h/t @DommyTweeter

At 4:15am EST, the USA Men’s Curling Team Made History

I honestly don’t know what to say. Partly that’s because I’ve been slamming gin all night, but more so because I didn’t really believe this could happen. Our Curling Team just went from 2-4 to the gold medal in seemingly the blink of an eye.

The match was close the entire night, but the US completely turned things around with a 5 POINT eighth end that will go down in history as Shuster’s best shot of his career. It’s hard to describe what this means to the curling community, especially since I joined it ironically around eight years ago.

But in all honesty, I feel such an overwhelming sense of pride for what this team just accomplished. Team Shuster for life. Team USA for life. USA. Your 2018 Men’s Curling Olympic Champions.

Just. Wow.


At 1:35am Tonight, the USA Men’s Curling Team Will Make History

Well, this is it folks. Tonight at 1:35am, as some bars begin turning the lights on for last call, Team Shuster and the US Men’s Curling team will take the ice for the last time in these 2018 Olympic Games. This time, though, they play for a chance to go home Olympic Champions for the first time in US history.

I know, I know, we in the states are decidedly the best at pretty much every athletic spectacle worth caring about in the world. But in the bizarre, cult-esque world of Curling, we’re typically an after thought. We’re competitive, sure, but never really close to being the best. What Northwestern is to B1G football, we are to the men’s curling circuit.

In fact, these Olympics were shaping up to be a lot like our last two showings. We were in every game, but always had that one bad end where we let an opponent steal a few too many points. After conceding to Japan and then losing to Norway to fall to 2-4 in Round Robin play, hopes of a podium spot seemed pretty much shot.

Instead, the unthinkable happened. This team rattled of five straight victories to finish 5-4 with the 3 seed in the playoff bracket, including wins over Canada and Great Britain. Shuster was leading this team in a way I hadn’t before seen in the Olympics, and this team was playing like they had nothing to lose.

To make the semifinals seemed like an accomplishment in of itself. I didn’t think we had a prayer of beating the Canadians, three time defending gold medalists, twice in the same week. I mentally prepped myself for the bronze medal match that would take place Friday morning. But again, Team Shuster proved me wrong. A big 2 point steal in the 8th end with a solid hammer throw in the tenth clinched a 5-3 victory over Canada that left me wondering, “what did I just watch?”

So tonight, come 1:35, this group of men will do something that no US Men’s Curling Team before them has done – play for an Olympic gold medal. I implore everyone to make it their civic duty to yell at their bartender and make sure this match is on every TV in the establishment. Gather your friends, buy a bunch of Rolling Rocks for the sake of the pun, and watch this group of beauties stomp all over the Curling world. If the Cubs and Astros can win the World Series, if the Eagles can win the Super Bowl, if Kirk Cousins could become the highest paid player in NFL history, then truely anything is possible.

Why. Not. Us?

NBCSports 1:35am. See you all on Twitter. @threejay03