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15,879 Men Arrested After Boston Police Department Release Artist’s Interpretation of Suspect Who Threw a Water Bottle at Kyrie Irving

BOSTON — It was a busy Memorial Day of police work for Boston’s finest, an unwelcome change among the force who are used to celebrating the holiday monitoring fake construction sites to earn time and a half pay. Instead, the men and women of Boston’s Police Department spent the day raiding the neighborhoods of Southie, West Roxbury, Charlestown, and Back Bay looking for the man they believe threw a water bottle at Kyrie Irving after the Brooklyn Nets beat the Boston Celtics on Sunday night to take a commanding 3-1 series lead in the first round of the NBA playoffs.

After the game, the department’s forensic artist released the following sketch of the suspected hurler, who police are looking to charge with assault and battery by means of a dangerous weapon:

“Hindsight being 20/20 and all, we probably should’ve done a little more investigative work before we put that sketch out there, because after that, the tip line was ringing off the hook,” a source from within the BPD told me earlier this morning. Just how bad was it?

“We must’ve fielded anywhere from 20,000 to 25,000 calls last night from people who claimed to be able to ID the perp. Fortunately for us though, they all claimed to be sitting at a bar with the guy at the time of the call.”

In an effort to show that their budget is not worth defunding and that the Boston Police are actually willing to help its Black citizens and people of color, the force sent armies of officers to the aforementioned neighborhoods’ pubs to round up as many puffy, pasty, reddish haired men in an ill-fitting Kevin Garnett jersey as they could. So far, they’ve brought in roughly 16,000 men.

“Look, I hate Kyrie as much as any green-blooded Bostonian, ok?” said Boston police officer Luke O’Shaughnessy. “But, at the end of the day, what this guy did was wrong, and apparently it’s our job to stop this kind of thing. So, that’s what we’re gonna do.”

Will the judicial system of Boston deliver a punishment more severe than a firm verbal warning for the person responsible for this? That seems about as likely as a Celtics fan not using the n-word to describe Kyrie Irving. But, in the words of Kevin Garnett, “anything is possible” I suppose.

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