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Kirk Cousins Shocked to Learn Anybody Cares What He Thinks About Anything

MINNEAPOLIS — The Twitter-sphere was set ablaze Wednesday morning after hearing Minnesota Vikings quarterback Kirk Cousins is taking a “survival of the fittest” approach to COVID-19.

“I want to respect what other people’s concerns are. For me personally, just talking no one else can get the virus, what is your concern if you could get it, I would say I’m gonna go about my daily life. If I get it, I’m gonna ride it out. I’m gonna let nature do its course. Survival-of-the-fittest kind of approach. And just say, if it knocks me out, it knocks me out. I’m going to be OK. You know, even if I die. If I die, I die. I kind of have peace about that.”

Cousins’ feelings don’t necessarily come as a surprise for a quarterback who has made a living off of doing the wrong thing in big moments, but that did not discourage people from virtually voicing their displeasure with the Vikings QB.

It also gave sports media outlets the opportunity to make the same joke as every other sports media outlet, a tradition unlike any other:

And while some have come to the defense of Cousins, citing that the quote is being taken out of context and that he’s still opting to wear a mask out of respect for others, one can’t help but wonder why anyone cares about his approach to COVID-19 at all. Including, the quarterback himself.

“To be honest, I was pretty shocked at the backlash” Cousins said while wearing a Sunoco hat and a pair of Old Navy slides in an exclusive follow-up interview we conducted via Zoom. “Other than the whole making $31 million a year thing, not a ton has gone right for me since leaving the Redski – I mean, sorry, the Washington Football Team. I’ve been dragged online for just about everything I do, from how I grill my steak, to driving a mini-van, to my gender reveal throw – it just seems like I really can’t do just about anything right. Which has me thinking ‘well, if you all despise just about everything I do in my life, then why do you care about anything I say at all?”

Cousins raises an excellent point: why do we care about anything that Kirk Cousins has to say? We should be complacently living with mediocrity, not actively acknowledging it for the sake of a laugh. Which is why we at Second String are starting a scholarship fund to be given to aspiring sports journalists who will vow to no longer interview average players of any position. Let’s focus our energy on those who are in the spotlight for good reason, instead of continually giving it to those who have done so very little to deserve it.

The scholarship will be funded completely by reader donations, so our Venmo is WIDE open, much like Adam Thielen running a fifteen yard out only to be overthrown by the very man who inspired this fund. You like that? *vomits at own joke*

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