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NCAA President Mark Emmert Assures Player Safety is “Top Priority” Announcing Fall Sports Will Be Played While Standing on a Pile of Money

INDIANAPOLIS — The NCAA’s Sport Science Institute, an NCAA entity that we can only assume was created earlier this week as some sort of tax-evading money-laundering operation, detailed its coronavirus guidelines on Friday morning in an effort to help schools figure out how they can safely conduct athletic events this fall. These “best practices” notably have come out after the Big Ten and Pac 12 determined earlier this week that the universities in their conferences will only play opponents within their respective conferences, and after the Ivy League and Patriot League announced they are cancelling sports all together this fall, an announcement greeted with unprecedented apathy from the public.

NCAA President Mark Emmert held a small press conference to go over the NCAA’s recommendations, as well as answer any remaining questions from the press:

“When we made the extremely difficult decision to cancel last spring’s championships, it was because there was simply no way to conduct them safely,” Emmert said. “This document lays out the advice of health care professionals as to how to resume college sports if we can achieve an environment where COVID-19 rates are manageable. Today, sadly, the data points in the wrong direction. If there is to be college sports in the fall, we need to get a much better handle on the pandemic.”

Uninspired by the vague nature of this action plan, we pressed Emmert to explain in his own words what he means by, “an environment where COVID-19 rates are manageable.”

“Basically, it’d be great to see new daily cases no longer increasing. Deaths are gonna happen anyway, ya know? So death rate doesn’t feel like a strong indicator. That isn’t to say we don’t care about the death rate — we certainly hope our athletes, I mean, students, aren’t the ones falling victim to this pandemic,” he said, quickly correcting himself. “But, at a certain point, I think we all have to ask ourselves, ‘how much money are we really willing to risk losing?'” he asked rhetorically, clearly no longer reading from a prepared statement or teleprompter.

It was at this moment that everyone in the room began to notice a series of $100 bills gently billowing out from under Emmert’s feet. He quickly fell to his hands and knees, frantically picking up the money, whispering gently to it as he piled it back into the lining of his suit jacket and socks.

“Umm, that will be all for today,” he said stammering. “If you have any further questions, please direct them to our Academy for Sports and Science…Stuff…I mean, wait, *what are we calling it again?*” he audibly whispered into the mic while looking at the head of the NCAA Sport Science Institute.

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