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Dan Snyder Proposes Renaming Redskins “Washington Hickories” in Tribute to Andrew Jackson

WASHINGTON D.C. — The Washington Redskins team owner Daniel Snyder announced earlier today that the team would be moving on from the “Redskins” team name and logo after thorough review of… maybe a week. Fans of the team and the NFL have been calling for the team to change their name and logo for years, citing the fact that it’s blatantly racist. But, in his statement released Monday morning, Snyder made it abundantly clear that this decision was not fueled by political correctness, but by the only thing that matters to him: money.

We are working closely to develop a new name and design approach that will enhance the standing of our proud, tradition rich franchise and inspire our sponsors, fans and community for the next 100 years,” Snyder said, making sure to prioritize his sponsors first.

Whatever the motivation though, fans around the league were excited to finally see some progressive action in D.C. that wasn’t followed by a decision explanation from Chief Justice John Roberts. That is, until Snyder kept speaking.

Snyder announced that he and head coach Ron Rivera are working on a name that would honor both the military and Native Americans.

“We were hoping to make this announcement at Mt. Rushmore, the ultimate symbol of U.S. military and Native American relations,” Snyder proclaimed, clearly never having visited the monument, “but nevertheless, we’re extremely excited to present to you the new branding for the Washington D.C. NFL Club. Today I present to you all: our new logo and team name — the Washington Hickories!”

“We felt no symbol better represents our history in the D.C. area and our commitment to success than Andrew Jackson. He was a U.S. President, he’s on the $20 bill, and no one was better at removing Redskins than Old Hickory himself!”

Shocked and confused thinking Snyder couldn’t have meant what he just said, everyone on the Zoom call remained quiet, giving him a moment to reflect on his choice of words. Instead, he doubled down.

“Fans throughout the league will be able to enjoy new concessions and stadium attractions this fall, like our Trail of Tears, where we honor those we’ve defeated in our three Super Bowl victories. This will lead up to our brand new Hall of Heroes, an ornate circular concourse honoring all of our team’s legendary playmakers. Centering that room will be two statues of Andrew Jackson and Christoper Columbus, D.C.’s namesake, playing a game of catch with a severed head.”

Horrified by this seemingly hyperbolic level of ignorance, racism and pettiness, many media members hopped off the Zoom call. Looking demonically pleased with himself, Snyder stared into the camera and ended the call by saying, “You wanted change? You got it!” while slapping his bare ass and flipping off the remaining participants.

Washington kicks off their season on September 13th against the Philadelphia Eagles.

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