You’ve been clamoring for it, so here it is, the official ranking of my toes.
10. Left foot, fourth toe – sometimes called the “ring toe” this toe is pretty much worthless. If I lost it in a terrible wake boarding accident I probably wouldn’t notice and I definitely wouldn’t care
9. Left foot, middle toe – probably overshadowed by the despicable neighbor to it’s left, this toe is also pretty bad. Again, wouldn’t intentionally cut it off but wouldn’t shed tears if it disappeared.
8. Right pinky toe – Now we’re getting into the toes I can at least stomach. Does a pretty good job keeping me balanced. It’s somewhat scrawny but all in all a noteworthy toe
7. Left foot, second toe – the “index toe” if you will. Part of the “tyrannical threesome” (with lefty ring and lefty middle) he’s the only one that keeps the middle of my left foot in order.
6. Right middle toe – Doesn’t quite crack the top five because of some off-field attitude issues, but does a good job being a toe. Strong. Sturdy.
5. Left foot, big toe – A war hero and all around stand-up guy. Our first entrant into the top 5. People will be upset he isn’t a little higher but I think 5 is right for him. Can’t be too predictable!
4 .Right foot, fourth toe – Into the money toes now. Nicknamed “the heartbreaker” because of his efforts during the summer of ’07. A trusted friend if there ever was one.
3. Left pinky toe – The gold standard for both pinky toes and toes on my left foot. Small but mighty. Confident but not arrogant. Would follow him in the face of adversity for sure.
2. Right foot, big toe – I’m sure you were all expecting this to be number one. When you opened a blog titled “ranking my toes” I bet you thought “why am I even reading this? Obviously right foot big toe is gonna be number 1.” He’s lovely and really could be number one if I made the list tomorrow. Today just wasn’t feeling it. He has nothing to be ashamed of, I’m proud of his performance
1. Right foot, second toe – The longest toe on my foot. The straightest toe on my foot. The best toe nail and the a toe that has never been stubbed. I love the shit out of this toe. I tear up thinking about it. It’s my best friend and my teammate. Right foot. Second toe. Rolls right off the tongue. Don’t know what I would do without it, and hopefully will never have to learn.
End of blog.