Last night Fergie, you may remember her from the Black Eyed Peas or if you attended a bar mitzvah in the late 2000’s, had the honor of performing the National Anthem at the NBA All Star Game. I know what you’re thinking, no big deal right? Fergie was a MEGA star for a hot minute, who undoubtedly has performed the National Anthem for numerous big venues before. Surely she’s just gonna keep it simple, be right down the middle with it, and not perform it like she’s in a New Orleans burlesque house circa the 1930’s, right?
Now, I know I use a lot of hyperbole on this site. Often times I deem people completely psychotic or accuse them of being borderline murderers. However, I don’t think I’m overreacting here when I say that this rendition of the National Anthem not only the WORST rendition these ears have ever heard, but possibly the most offensive as well. I feel like the moderator of the academic decathlon in Billy Madison during the debate scene. “Ms Fergie, in no point in your incoherent rambling did you sing anything close to resembling the National Anthem. Everyone in this room is less patriotic after hearing your incoherent rambling. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.”
But given the tumultuous year that the Star Spangled Banner has had, I don’t know what reaction is warranted after last night. Kaepernick led the charge in protesting the National Anthem and won Time’s Person of the Year as a result. If that’s the precedent we’re setting, then Time should award Fergie the Grammy for “Best Remix to an 18th Century Composition.” In that same vein, if some Americans consider Colin Kapernick’s and other NFL Player’s protest disrespectful, then you HAVE to consider this treason. Lock her up and throw away the key, because the fact that she was delusional enough to practice the Anthem that way and go, “yup, nailed it,” indicates to me that she is not of sound mind or reason.
Granted, you could argue the treatment she received on Twitter last night was punishment enough…
and I don’t see the ridicule stopping anytime soon.
But, as I’m writing this, I’ve realized that maybe I have this all wrong. Maybe Fergie is the Patriot we need, but not the one we deserve right now. Other than the fact that this clip will probably be played on loop in Guantanamo Bay for 20 hours a day until it closes:
Fergie has done something that no man or woman has been able to do in the past year — unite this country’s feelings on the National Anthem. For the first time in over a year, people on both sides of the aisle came together to ridicule Fergie’s National Anthem in the spirit of laughs and retweets.
So, in a weird way, I tip my cap to you Fergie. Bombing on a national stage to bring this country together again is one of the most courageous things I’ve ever seen. But maybe in the future let’s leave it to people like Roseanne, okay?